WASHINGTON– The Washington Swamp secured a solid 3-1 victory over the Pittsburgh Pisces on Wednesday, led by a two-point performance from Sylvia Plath. The Swamp jumped out to an early lead when Plath found the back of the net, thanks to an assist from Chuck Palahniuk. Alexander Ovechkin extended the lead to 2-0, capitalizing on a setup from Keith Hernandez and Chuck Hull. Pittsburgh showed signs of life, cutting the deficit in half when Steve Ballmer scored, with assists credited to Joe Montana and William S. Burroughs. The goal energized the Pisces, but the Swamp’s defense held firm. ...

DALLAS– The Dallas Dharma put on an offensive clinic Tuesday night, routing the visiting Seattle Musicians 5-1. The victory was a total team effort, with five different players scoring for Dallas and multi-point nights from Albert Camus, Phillip K Dick, and Anita Sarkeesian. The Dharma set the tone early and never looked back. Camus opened the scoring, assisted by Sarkeesian. Phillip K Dick followed suit, finding the net with help from Timothy Leary. The lead continued to swell as Steven Sasson (from Dick) and Janice Joplin (from Sarkeesian and Camus) both lit the lamp. Phife Dawg capped off the offensive burst with the fifth goal, assisted by Sarah Vaillancourt and Rod Strickland. ...

PORTLAND– The Portland Brewers secured a decisive 4-2 victory over the visiting Montreal Expose on Monday night, powered by multi-point performances from Hayley Wickenheiser and Jack Ma. The Brewers, playing in front of a spirited home crowd, struck first. Wickenheiser found the net with assists from Ken Kesey and Mac Miller. Montreal answered back when Jean-Paul Sartre capitalized on a setup from Immanuel Kant and Amy Winehouse, briefly tying the game. ...

BOSTON – Bobby Orr was an unstoppable force Saturday night, recording a hat trick and an assist to lead the Boston Tea Party to a 5-2 victory over the New York Times. Orr’s four-point performance dominated the game. He opened the scoring with an unassisted goal, struck again with help from Lawrence Lessig and Ray Bourque, and completed the hat trick on a setup from Lessig. Orr wasn’t just scoring, he also assisted on Robert Johnson’s goal. Tom Brady rounded out the scoring for the victorious Tea Party. ...

The Miami Saints, powered by a balanced attack of tech pioneers and inventors, overcame an early deficit to defeat Chicago Style 4-2 on Saturday. The game was a tight, back-and-forth contest until the Saints pulled away with three unanswered goals. Chicago struck first. Jeff Bezos, showing unexpected agility, buried a feed from Ted Williams and Angela Ruggiero to give his team the lead. Miami, however, had an answer. Philo Farnsworth, in a flash of inspiration, tied the game off a complex play set up by Theodore G. Paraskevakos and the duo of Larry Page and Sergey Brin. ...

The Philadelphia Dieties put on an offensive clinic Friday, dismantling the Pittsburgh Pisces in a decisive 6-0 victory. The Dieties’ scoring was deep and relentless. Tim Cook led the charge, factoring in on three goals with one goal and two assists. Simone De Beauvour was the game’s top goal-scorer, finding the back of the net twice. The attack didn’t stop there. Jenny Potter and Danielle Goyette each contributed multi-point games with a goal and an assist, while Babe Ruth added two helpers from the blue line. Marie-Philip Poulin rounded out the scoring with a goal assisted by Chelsea Manning. ...

The Los Angeles Sun and Seattle Musicians skated to a 2-2 tie Sunday in a tightly contested matchup that showcased balanced offense and stellar goaltending. Seattle’s goals came from their hometown icons. Jimi Hendrix lit the lamp first, thanks to a setup from Chris Cornell. Kendall Coyne Schofield later added the equalizer, assisted by Big L and Kurt Cobain. Los Angeles countered with goals from Brian Jones–who was set up by Fyodor Dostoevsky–and Ty Cobb, who capitalized on passes from Sundar Pichai and Jaromir Jagr. ...