A Letter from the Commissioner: Cosmic Hockey Association Ascending Dear Friends of the Game, As I sit here in the high office, looking out not over a city skyline but over the vast, shimmering expanse of the multiverse that our league now occupies, I am struck by a profound sense of awe. When we first conceived of the Cosmic League, the skeptics were legion. They said you couldn’t put poets on skates. They said philosophers couldn’t backcheck. They told us that the egos of tech moguls and the raw energy of grunge musicians would combust if confined within the same rink. ...
Phife Dawg Hat Trick Powers Dharma Past Sun 6-2
DALLAS– Phife Dawg recorded a hat trick and Phillip K Dick tallied three points as the Dallas Dharma overwhelmed the Los Angeles Sun 6-2 on Sunday. The Dharma offense exploded in the second half of the game, turning a tight contest into a rout. The Los Angeles Sun opened the scoring with a goal from Marissa Mayer, assisted by Angela James, putting the visitors up early. Dallas responded quickly when Phife Dawg netted his first of the game off a pass from Janice Joplin. The Dharma took their first lead shortly after, with Phillip K Dick scoring on a play set up by Sarah Vaillancourt and Timothy Leary. ...
Swamp Survive Late Rally to Edge Times 4-3
WASHINGTON– The Washington Swamp built a commanding lead and held on through a furious late comeback attempt to defeat the New York Times 4-3 on Friday night. The Swamp were powered by a balanced attack, with Sylvia Plath, Aaron Swartz, and Julian Assange each recording a goal and an assist. Washington stormed out of the gate, establishing a 3-0 lead. Cassie Campbell opened the scoring, finishing a play set up by Assange and Swartz. Sylvia Plath doubled the advantage with help from Keith Hernandez, and Aaron Swartz made it 3-0 shortly after, converting passes from Linus Torvalds and George Orwell. ...
Grunge Grinds Out Victory: Seattle Musicians Survive Furious Chicago Rally
CHICAGO - The ice at the arena was still steaming when the final horn blasted, signaling the end of a contest that felt less like a hockey game and more like a clash of cultural titans. In a game defined by a blistering start and a heart-stopping finish, the Seattle Musicians edged out Chicago Style 3–2, riding the hot hand of Kurt Cobain and the brick-wall goaltending of Patrick Roy. ...
Tea Party Storm Back to Defeat Saints 5-2
BOSTON– The Boston Tea Party overcame a deficit to score four unanswered goals, defeating the Miami Saints 5-2 on Friday night. Bobby Orr and Alexander Graham Bell led the charge for Boston, each recording a goal and an assist in the victory. Boston opened the scoring when William Gibson converted a pass from Orr. However, Miami responded quickly and effectively. Theodore G. Paraskevakos tied the game with help from Tim Berners-Lee and Larry Ellison, and shortly after, Ralph Baer gave the Saints a 2-1 lead, assisted by Natalie Darwitz and Jim Brown. ...
Pisces Overwhelm Brewers 6-2; Crosby, Clemente Post 3 Points
PITTSBURGH – The Pittsburgh Pisces unleashed a dominant offensive attack, defeating the Portland Brewers 6-2 on Monday night. The Pisces’ scoring was deep and balanced, with four players recording multi-point nights. Joe Montana and Jayna Hefford each scored two goals, while Sidney Crosby (1G, 2A) and Roberto Clemente (3A) acted as playmakers, each finishing with three points. Mario Lemieux (1G, 1A) also had a two-point night for Pittsburgh. The Pisces started early, with Lemieux scoring the opening goal off a pass from Clemente. Montana followed, assisted by Greta Thunberg and Lemieux. ...
Sun Overpower Tea Party 4-1 Behind Balanced Attack
LOS ANGELES – The Los Angeles Sun showcased a dominant, four-goal performance to defeat the visiting Boston Tea Party 4-1 on Saturday. Fyodor Dostoevsky and Brian Jones each registered a goal and an assist to lead the Sun’s balanced offensive effort. Dostoevsky opened the scoring for Los Angeles, taking assists from Steph Curry and Jaromir Jagr. Boston’s Bobby Orr provided the sole response for the Tea Party, capitalizing on a setup from William Gibson to tie the game. ...
Spector's Hat Trick Lifts Dharma Over Dieties 4-3
DALLAS – Ronnie Spector recorded a hat trick, powering the Dallas Dharma to a narrow 4-3 victory over the Philadelphia Dieties on Saturday. Goaltender Manon Rhéaume was a critical factor for Dallas, turning aside 30 shots as the Dharma were outshot by the Dieties 33-28. Timothy Leary opened the scoring for Dallas, assisted by Phife Dawg. Philadelphia’s Danielle Goyette answered with her first of the night, a goal set up by Jenny Potter, to tie the game. ...
Washington Gridlock: Swamp and Times Battle to 3-3 Tie
WASHINGTON – In a game that lived up to its location, the Washington Swamp and the New York Times fought to a 3-3 gridlock on Saturday night. The teams traded goals all evening, with neither able to pull away. Sylvia Plath played hero for the Swamp, scoring the game-tying goal. Plath also added an assist for a two-point night. Washington opened the scoring on a goal from Linus Torvalds, with assists from Julian Assange and Chuck Palahniuk. ...
Heaney's Hat Trick Powers Saints Past Expose 5-3
MIAMI – Geraldine Heaney recorded a hat trick and an assist for a four-point game, leading the Miami Saints to a 5-3 victory over the Montreal Expose on Thursday. Philo Farnsworth also had a three-point night for Miami, contributing one goal and two assists. Goaltender Terry Sawchuk was sharp for the Saints, making 35 saves and earning the win. Miami opened up a 2-0 lead with goals from Farnsworth and Heaney’s first of the night. Montreal’s Edward Snowden, assisted by Prodigy, cut the lead in half. ...